I've decided to grade the adverts in the following categories;
Attraction - With the wealth of competition that is in the shop window you need something to catch the punters eye. In the bustling metropolis that is South East London, what lengths would these professionals go to?
Subtlety - How do you get the message across without actually stating "YOU CAN PAY TO SHAG ME". Meddling Old ladies maybe checking the window. How can you make the advert look as innocent as possible?
Temptation - Ultimately you’re going to want as many pervs to call you as possible. Without having a picture of a buxom lady (this isn’t a phone box after all), how are you going to do it?
Step up candidate one;
Attraction - This is a pretty well crafted card. The bright background and bold text ensure that you'll catch a few glances. I like the fact that the person(s?) who made this card weren't afraid to go for the glossy finish. This shows an appluadable level of confidence; they clearly know this baby will be paying for itself in a matter of days. 7
Subtlety - Ladybirds and illicit sex don’t usually go hand in hand. People may look at the picture and think the advert is for something innocent. But if they look one centimeter to the left, they will see the words "Mature Massage" in bright red. Still little kids can't read that can they. 6
Temptation - Well this is a tricky one. Personally I'm not one for the Mrs Robinsons myself but as my Mum use to say "one man’s rubbish is another man’s treasure". By targeting a particular niche Ladybirds may just edge it on some of the competition. A lot of filthy old men are going to head straight for this one. 7
Bring on number two;
Attraction - A lot of time and effort has gone into this card. Not only has "Madonna" got lovely handwriting, she's also varied the colour of her pens. As you'll have to agree this has made the card pretty eye catching. They've put a lot of effort into this; look at the symmetry on the sides! Plus the hearts give it a more innocent touch; this'll make the pervs less guilty about paying for it. Good move. 8
Subtlety - They've gone for the classic trick on this one, posing as an actual masseuse. They're going to have to lose points for including the hearts. Love and massage are two concepts that can only end in one thing. SEX GAMES. 5
Temptation - The key factors in this category are the horizontal puller quotes. "Fun and Friendly" is a good one. These people must get a lot of calls from men who aren’t that great at small talk with women, putting their mind at ease will improve their hit rate. Also the words "No Rush" will elude to punters false notions of grandeur. These women are safe in the knowledge that only a small percentage of their clients will pass the two minute mark. 8
Time for number three:
Attraction – Well this is disappointing. The cheap marker on plain white card screams lack of effort. Plus what about that crossed out mark? If she puts this much effort into writing her “massaging” skills can’t be worth spending money on. 1
Subtlety - Well this advert does look so unappealing it is going to avoid the attention of 99% of shop window paroosers. Maybe Kelly is a genius after all? Although being “busty” isn’t necessarily a requirement for a legal masseuse, I dread to think what she crossed off. 4
Temptation - Mmm. I’m a bit lost on this one. The mind of a pervert isn’t one I have general access too. Maybe they’ll like the fact that she can’t write and is a little bit scruffy? She also states she offers “T.S.” which I’ve translated as meaning TOTAL SEX. Could reel a few punters in. 6
Put your palms together for the winner with a whopping 23 points.....
MADONNA!!!! I was going to call to tell her she'd won, although I'm not sure she'd appreciate it.
N.B. I'd like to use this moment to say that I think prostitution is VERY BAD and shouldn’t be condoned. Also if you have a bad back I'd look in the Yellow Pages, not your local Spar. Especially if you live in Camberwell.
No comments:
Post a Comment