Oh Yeah

All these reviews I've done here are for the lovely guys at Kruger Magazine. Please check out their website http://www.krugerjunior.com/ and keep an eye out for the magazine in various independent shops.

BIG LOVE xx

Animal Collective

Animal Collective / Atlas Sound
Koko, London
Thursday 22nd May

Atlas Sound wants to clear something up. "You know when I said Animal Collective were the shit, you knew what I meant right?" Worried that his statement may have a different meaning across the Atlantic, he looks relieved when the crowd nods in agreement. It's not only his enthusiasm that translates well tonight; his blissful songs were the perfect warm up for tonight's show. Accompanied a guitar and laptop he gently prepared the crowd with his spectral set.

While no one could ever accuse Animal Collective as being conventional, the continuing absence of guitarist Deakin from their shows has seen the ditch a 'traditional' live set up. Panda Bear and Geologist take their place on opposite sides of the stage; their heads constantly huddled over various samplers and electronics. From centre stage Avey Tare plays guitar, sings and manipulates sounds through a variety of effects units. Even Panda Bear's drumming duties have been reduced to the occasional use of a reduced kit. As strange as it sounds it seems more feasible to class Animal Collective as an electronic act these days, as a three piece they've shed their sound folk sound. Samples and drumbeats provide the spine of the music and when Panda Bear and Tare's vocals combine, the harmonies they create cause an outbreak of tingling necks amongst the crowd. It's a sound that resonates well not only in Koko's theatrical like walls, but also within the audience themselves. The Animal Collective live experience has taken on a shamanic like quality. I'd literally rather kill myself than use the expression "musical journey" but the feeling I had after tonight's gig was one I haven't had for a while.

White Denim- Workout Holiday

When I first heard the name White Denim, I couldn’t help but find them slightly unappealing. Images of Johnny Borrell saving the world, while doubling his record sales, at Live Earth clouded my mind. I was also forced to deal with a long repressed memory of an afternoon spent in Primark with my Sister. These horrendous thoughts soon cleared from my mind when their debut single Let’s Talk About It jumped in my ears. It’s a ridiculously catchy, ballsy garage tune that grabs your attention immediately.

However after listening to Workout Holiday you cant help feel that the record has been rush released to capitalise on the bands, post SXSW, wave of hype. While I’m not suggesting the band should have given us eleven carbon copies of Let’s Talk About It the album suffers from a lack of focus. While their schizophrenic energy creates some flashes of brilliance, such as the frantic Darksided Computer Mouth, it also goes against them. WDA sounds like three guys jamming Sonic Youth riffs rather than an album track. Workout Holiday is by no means a bad album, just one that could have benefited with some more stringent quality control.

Oh yes!

Mega Mix

Last night saw another installment in the, seemingly, never ending ‘Don’t Look Back’ gigs. Where artists present their most critically praised work live and in full. Personally I feel that gigs might have had their day, the public’s currently unquenchable hunger for looking to the past is starting to leave a nasty taste in my mouth. The notion that we need to look back is slightly worrying. Have we past the time where artists will create new and timeless pieces of work? Or do simply people long to recall their youth and cling to a “cool” past that seems to have gone forever?

However before I take permanent root on the Highlands of Moral, I have to say I couldn’t help be tempted by Raekwon performing “Only Built 4 Cuban Links”. Plus when I found Ghostface would also be playing I hastily shut my mouth. Maybe nostalgia could be a good thing?? I’m not going to be wearing a Beavis & Butthead t-shirt and quoting Kevin Smith films anytime soon mind.

Although it seemed Raekwon shared my original opinion. While playing a set that borrowed heavily from Cuban Links it was far from a case of “turn up, play the tracks in order, piss off”. With Ghostface in tow it seemed only right that they should cover a fair portion of the Wu’s back catalogue. I never thought I’d see the day when I witnessed an actually WU TANG MEGA MIX. Urrgh Mega Mix. The words bring instant repressed memories of bad weddings and stupidly crap parties. Like the time I went to a Engagement Party and the happy couple did a dance to lady in red. Obviously the bride to be was sporting a lovely rouge tinted number. Bad lady dancing reared its uncomfortable head tonight when several “honeys” were invited (pulled) on stage. The awkward moves on show here made me embarrassed to be British. If this was America I guarantee at least four of those girls would have been pole dancers, well maybe not four… But I bet they wouldn’t have wriggled around looking like they poo’d themselves before being ushered off stage.

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Ladytron? Non

There would have been a Ladytron review here if the stupid Astoria door women hadn’t been so blind. I was down to review the gig but apparently my name was absent from the list.

If you put twitchy stress-heads in charge of checking through a list of names, surely the speed addled brain will gloss over one or two names. I believe I fell foul to this heinous crime. However the imbalance in karma was restored when Ladytron’s collection of synths and fluorescent tube lighting (probably) overloaded the crumbling Astoria’s power supply. The gig was cancelled and re-scheduled for July (citation needed). Ha-ha I haven’t felt this superior since I bumped into Sarah Oliver in Boots when I was nineteen. Track back a few years and in my deluded thirteen year old mind, Sarah was the unreachable Goddess of perfection. While she was only two years older than me, the closest I ever got to her was a patronizing hug. Since at the time I had the unfortunate disposition, for the majority of my early teens actually, of being stuck in the body of a twelve year old boy. This meant that no girl my own age would be seen with me, never mind a potential Mrs. Robinson.


A few years later and while I was torn between the usual dilemma of Chicken & Stuffing or Chicken & Bacon sandwiches, I caught the glance of a slightly overweight girl in a hideously un-flattering tracksuit. I went back to choosing the contents of my Meal Deal when I had a tap on the shoulder. A shrill, Bensons dented voice asked “Jon? It’s me Sarah from school?”. Arrrrgh! I managed to stifle the wave of sick I was about to expel and held a slightly forced conversation. “Ha-ha” I thought “You’re all fat and minging now and I’ve finally managed to break the elusive five foot two barrier” (I’m at least 5’8 now, honest). I walked away from Boots 20 Advantage Points better off and with an acute belief that karma did and always will work out in one’s favour. Fuck you Astoria, fuck you.

grr

I realise the spacing is all fucked on the below post. I've tried to sort it out about 15 times now. It's very annoying.

Sunday Funday

I was in Camberwell this weekend and whilst a friend went into a newsagent I amused myself by looking at the little adverts in the window. Amongst the usual flats for rent and heart wrenching missing cat ads I couldn't help notice that this newsagent’s window was a massive advertiser of masseurs. A PVC pimp if you will. Now this isn't really a massive shock, this is London after all. What I found amusing was the extreme difference in the quality of the cards. Due to a dying battery I only managed to capture a few photos.

I've decided to grade the adverts in the following categories;

Attraction - With the wealth of competition that is in the shop window you need something to catch the punters eye. In the bustling metropolis that is South East London, what lengths would these professionals go to?

Subtlety - How do you get the message across without actually stating "YOU CAN PAY TO SHAG ME". Meddling Old ladies maybe checking the window. How can you make the advert look as innocent as possible?

Temptation - Ultimately you’re going to want as many pervs to call you as possible. Without having a picture of a buxom lady (this isn’t a phone box after all), how are you going to do it?


Step up candidate one;

Attraction - This is a pretty well crafted card. The bright background and bold text ensure that you'll catch a few glances. I like the fact that the person(s?) who made this card weren't afraid to go for the glossy finish. This shows an appluadable level of confidence; they clearly know this baby will be paying for itself in a matter of days. 7

Subtlety - Ladybirds and illicit sex don’t usually go hand in hand. People may look at the picture and think the advert is for something innocent. But if they look one centimeter to the left, they will see the words "Mature Massage" in bright red. Still little kids can't read that can they. 6

Temptation - Well this is a tricky one. Personally I'm not one for the Mrs Robinsons myself but as my Mum use to say "one man’s rubbish is another man’s treasure". By targeting a particular niche Ladybirds may just edge it on some of the competition. A lot of filthy old men are going to head straight for this one. 7

Bring on number two;

Attraction - A lot of time and effort has gone into this card. Not only has "Madonna" got lovely handwriting, she's also varied the colour of her pens. As you'll have to agree this has made the card pretty eye catching. They've put a lot of effort into this; look at the symmetry on the sides! Plus the hearts give it a more innocent touch; this'll make the pervs less guilty about paying for it. Good move. 8


Subtlety - They've gone for the classic trick on this one, posing as an actual masseuse. They're going to have to lose points for including the hearts. Love and massage are two concepts that can only end in one thing. SEX GAMES. 5

Temptation - The key factors in this category are the horizontal puller quotes. "Fun and Friendly" is a good one. These people must get a lot of calls from men who aren’t that great at small talk with women, putting their mind at ease will improve their hit rate. Also the words "No Rush" will elude to punters false notions of grandeur. These women are safe in the knowledge that only a small percentage of their clients will pass the two minute mark. 8

Time for number three:

Attraction – Well this is disappointing. The cheap marker on plain white card screams lack of effort. Plus what about that crossed out mark? If she puts this much effort into writing her “massaging” skills can’t be worth spending money on. 1

Subtlety - Well this advert does look so unappealing it is going to avoid the attention of 99% of shop window paroosers. Maybe Kelly is a genius after all? Although being “busty” isn’t necessarily a requirement for a legal masseuse, I dread to think what she crossed off. 4

Temptation - Mmm. I’m a bit lost on this one. The mind of a pervert isn’t one I have general access too. Maybe they’ll like the fact that she can’t write and is a little bit scruffy? She also states she offers “T.S.” which I’ve translated as meaning TOTAL SEX. Could reel a few punters in. 6

Put your palms together for the winner with a whopping 23 points.....

MADONNA!!!! I was going to call to tell her she'd won, although I'm not sure she'd appreciate it.

N.B. I'd like to use this moment to say that I think prostitution is VERY BAD and shouldn’t be condoned. Also if you have a bad back I'd look in the Yellow Pages, not your local Spar. Especially if you live in Camberwell.